These past few days I feel like I’ve been in a constant slumber. I feel like I’m here but not quite. There are times when anxiety comes at me like a visitor knocking at my door and there are times when it rushes at me like a raging bull.
I know. I know now. I’m not supposed to feel this way. I know it’s not right and that I must stop it. It’s not taboo nor is it forbidden – no, definitely not forbidden, yet it pains me every time it occurs to me that I’m feeling this way.
I always feel like I shouldn’t have. I shouldn’t have met him. I shouldn’t have talked to him. I shouldn’t have agreed to everything. I shouldn’t have thought that his smile was radiant or I shouldn’t have conjured happy images of being with him.
Right now, I thought I needed some place to let it all out and so I’m here. I haven’t thought of anyone as of the moment who is capable of understanding these gnawing thoughts inside my head that have kept me up countless nights. I mean sure I’ve got really good friends – best friends even, people who know all there is to know about me – and yet when I think about telling them, there’s always that pang of doubt and guilt and I thought maybe it’d be better if I just kept these things to myself.